Holding Grudges
Breaking Free from the Struggle Bus of Unforgiveness
In our culture of instant unfriending, blocking, and going "no contact," we've created a generation that's more isolated than ever. Recent surveys show that 60% of Gen Z and 50% of millennials have cut off relationships in the past year—often for reasons as simple as feeling disrespected or experiencing negativity. While there are legitimate times when distance is necessary for safety or healing, when unforgiveness becomes our default response to relational tension, it multiplies hurt rather than healing.
What Does Jesus Say About Forgiveness?
When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him—suggesting seven times as a generous number—Jesus responded with "seventy-seven times." This wasn't a mathematical formula but Jesus's way of saying forgiveness should be limitless, just like God's forgiveness toward us.
To illustrate this principle, Jesus told a powerful parable about a king and his servant in Matthew 18:21-35.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
In this story, a servant owed his king an impossible debt—10,000 talents, equivalent to about $20 billion today. When the king demanded payment, the servant begged for mercy. Remarkably, the king had pity on him, released him, and forgave the entire debt.
But then this forgiven servant found a fellow servant who owed him a much smaller amount—about $20,000. Instead of showing the same mercy he had received, he grabbed his debtor by the throat and demanded payment. When his fellow servant pleaded for patience using the exact same words he had used with the king, he refused and had him thrown into prison.
When the king learned of this, he was furious and delivered the unforgiving servant to the jailers, saying, "Should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?"
How Do We Get Off the Struggle Bus of Unforgiveness?
From this parable, we can identify three marks of a forgiving spirit that help us move from holding grudges to experiencing freedom.
1. Feel Pity in the Pain
The king felt "pity" for his servant—not condescending pity, but compassion awakened by seeing someone's misery. This word appears eleven times in the New Testament, always describing Jesus's heart or God's character.
When someone hurts us, our natural response is to dehumanize them, turning them into caricatures of their worst traits. But pity asks a different question: "What misery in you led to you causing misery for me?" This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it humanizes them and helps us see their brokenness rather than just our pain.
As theologian Miroslav Volf explains, "Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans, even as I exclude myself from the community of sinners." True forgiveness begins when we see both our shared humanity and our shared need for grace.
2. Release Your Grip
The king "released" his servant, but notice what the unforgiving servant did—he grabbed his debtor by the throat and wouldn't let go. Unforgiveness feels like control, but it's actually self-imposed captivity. When we hold someone's feet to the fire, we're the ones who get burned.
Releasing doesn't mean releasing someone into nothing—it means releasing them into the hands of a just God. As Romans reminds us, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." We don't have to carry the burden of being judge and jury.
Leviticus 19:17-18 provides a beautiful model: "'You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor... You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.'" We can address sin directly without harboring hatred in our hearts.
3. Cancel the Debt
The king "forgave him the debt"—he canceled what was owed. This doesn't mean canceling the person or pretending the wrong never happened. It means choosing to move forward without keeping a running tally of offenses.
We can cancel the debt without canceling the person by installing doors in relationships instead of walls. Doors can be closed when necessary for wisdom, safety, or healing, but they leave room for the possibility of repentance, redemption, and reconciliation. Walls assume the story is over; doors allow God to keep writing.
Why Does Our Forgiveness Matter to God?
Jesus ends this parable with a sobering warning: "So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." This isn't about earning salvation through forgiveness, but about the natural flow of grace.
When we truly understand that we are the servant with the unpayable debt—that our sins against God are like that $20 billion we could never repay—and we experience God's pity, release, and debt cancellation, forgiveness should flow through us to others.
The people who struggle most with forgiving others are often the same people who struggle to believe God has truly forgiven them. But when we behold our King—who became a suffering servant, carried our unpayable debt, and canceled it through His death and resurrection—we find both the motivation and the power to forgive.
Life Application
This week, choose to get off the struggle bus of unforgiveness. Instead of holding grudges, behold your King who became a servant to forgive your unimaginable debt. Practice feeling pity for those who have hurt you by asking what misery in them led to causing misery for you. Release your grip on the need to control outcomes and trust God as the ultimate judge. Cancel the debt by choosing to move forward without keeping score, while installing doors instead of walls in broken relationships.
Ask yourself these questions: Who am I holding a grudge against, and how is it imprisoning my own heart? What would it look like to feel compassion for their brokenness rather than just focusing on my pain? How can I release them to God's justice while still addressing the wrong that was done? What doors need to be installed in my relationships instead of walls?
Remember, you have two choices: hold grudges or behold your King. When you truly see the King who forgave your impossible debt, forgiving others becomes not just possible, but natural.
