Holy Love Sets Boundaries
Holy Love: Setting Boundaries That Honor God and Protect Others
In a world where love is often confused with lust and intimacy is treated casually, Christians are called to live differently. We're called to practice what can be described as "holy love" - a love that is set apart from the world's approach to relationships and sexuality.
What Made Early Christians Different?
In the early second century, an anonymous letter described Christians in the Roman Empire with one unforgettable line: "They have a common table, but not a common bed." This observation captured something remarkable about early believers. While they generously welcomed strangers, shared their resources, and invited people of all backgrounds to eat together, they approached intimate relationships with clear boundaries.
This stood in stark contrast to Roman culture, which operated much like our society today - protective of material possessions but casual about sexual intimacy. Christians flipped this approach, demonstrating radical generosity in most areas while maintaining careful boundaries around the marriage bed.
Why Do Boundaries Matter in Love?
The word "holy" means "set apart." If we're going to have holy love, our approach to relationships must be different from the world's approach. This isn't about shame or restriction - it's about God's design for human flourishing.
When we look around at how the world handles sexuality and relationships, we don't see flourishing. Instead, we see wounds, broken relationships, and people using each other's bodies to feed their own desires while calling it love. God offers something better.
Three Essential Boundaries for Holy Love
First Thessalonians 4:1-8 reveals three crucial boundaries that protect both our relationship with God and our relationships with others.
Boundary #1: Seek God's Will First
The first question we must ask in any relationship is: "Am I seeking God's will or my own will?" Paul writes, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality" (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
God's primary will for your life isn't whether you're single or married, what job you have, or where you live. His primary will is your sanctification - that you become more like Jesus and less like the world. This sanctification includes how we approach sexuality and relationships.
God created sex as good, but He established boundaries around it. Sexual morality, according to Scripture, is sex as a covenant gift between a husband and wife. Anything outside this boundary is considered sexual immorality.
Boundary #2: Control Your Desires
The second boundary focuses inward: "Am I controlling my desire, or is my desire controlling me?" Paul instructs believers to "know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust" (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5).
There's a crucial difference between approaching relationships with "holiness and honor" versus "passion and lust." Passion and lust are self-centered, focused on what I need and want. Holiness and honor consider God's design and the other person's wellbeing.
We can see this difference in other areas of life. There's a difference between eating a meal with gratitude, good conversation, and proper appreciation versus mindlessly consuming food just to satisfy immediate hunger. The same principle applies to relationships - we can approach them with intentionality and honor or with selfish desire.
Boundary #3: Protect Others' Dignity
The third boundary looks outward: "Is my desire to protect them or to use them?" Paul warns that sexual immorality can "transgress and wrong" our brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:6).
Uncontrolled passion and lust will harm the very people we claim to love. When we fail to set proper boundaries, we risk using others to satisfy our own desires rather than protecting their dignity and wellbeing. God takes this seriously - He is described as "an avenger" who will defend those who are being hurt or used.
A Practical Model for Healthy Relationships
Dr. John Van Epp's relationship attachment model provides a helpful framework for setting boundaries that protect both people in a relationship. This model outlines five progressive stages:
1. Know
The first stage involves truly getting to know someone - their character, values, faith, habits, and wounds. This happens through conversation and observation, not physical attraction or casual interaction.
2. Trust
Once you know someone's character and have seen it demonstrated consistently, you can begin to trust them. Don't trust someone you don't truly know.
3. Rely
When trust is established, you can begin to rely on someone emotionally and practically. This means sharing your heart and allowing them to carry some of your emotional weight.
4. Commit
After knowing, trusting, and relying on someone, you can make a covenant commitment - what we call marriage. This is a mutual decision to belong to each other faithfully.
5. Touch (Intimacy)
Only within the context of committed covenant relationship can we give ourselves intimately, purely, and completely to another person.
The Purpose of Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn't keep us from good things - it allows us to receive good things in a healthy order. God isn't trying to limit love; He's trying to lift it up and give us something better than we thought possible.
God wants to set boundaries not because He's restrictive, but because He's protective. He loves us and wants us to experience the fullness of what relationships can be when they're built on His design.
Life Application
This week, examine your approach to relationships through the lens of holy love. Whether you're single, dating, or married, consider how you can better honor God, control your desires, and protect others in your relationships.
If you're single, use this time to establish clear boundaries before entering a relationship. If you're in a relationship, have honest conversations about how you can better honor each other and God. If you're married, consider how you can continue growing in knowing, trusting, relying on, and committing to your spouse.
Ask yourself these questions:
In my relationships, am I seeking God's will or just my own desires?
Am I approaching relationships with holiness and honor, or with passion and lust?
Are my actions protecting others' dignity, or am I using them to satisfy my own needs?
What boundaries do I need to establish or strengthen to honor God and protect the people I love?
Remember, God's design for love isn't about restriction - it's about experiencing the fullness of what love can be when it's holy, honoring, and protective of everyone involved.
